For a few years now, I have been denying the complications and embarrassment that would come with having PCOS. I never wanted to think about the fact that as a woman, I flat-out did not 'operate' correctly. So, as a sanity-saving mechanism, pride set in. I chose to not speak with anyone, except my husband and mother, about the impending infertility. Even after three, six, nine months of trying to conceive, I refused to let my guard down.
To better understand where I am coming from, here's a tidbit about myself: I am a smart, educated woman who has always been the 'rock' of all her relationships, struggles, and triumphs. I never drop the ball, and I work really hard so that the hypothetical ball is nowhere even close to the ground. To put it simply, I get what I want, not because I whine or beg, but because I make it happen. I am always in control of my life.
Seeing that conception was not coming easily or naturally and suffering the never-ending comments of how each of our parents "can't wait to be a grandparent," we officially shared with our families and friends that we had been trying to conceive. What would normally be exciting for the future grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, was overshadowed by the fact that we had to share the science of my PCOS and then had to make them understand that a baby may never happen. It was as if all the pressure was on me. Unfairly, yet unavoidable, my pride--my need for control and success--made it as if I was letting not only my husband down, but our loved ones too. If I am being honest, I still battle these feelings every day.
So, why did I name my major emotional outlet 'Pride?' Simply put, seeing the word in conjunction with my outward feelings reminds me that pride stands in my way of being healthy. I may have no control over whether or not my body wants to ovulate this month or if my Metformin makes me sick, but I do have control over my sanity.
Pride in my strength is what proudly makes me who I am, yes. But pride when it comes at the expense of my mental, emotional, and physical happiness...well, then it's a bitch.
